7 minute read

By Bethany Rees 

One of the most famous lines from Paul Newman’s 1967 movie Cool Hand Luke is delivered by the warden at the prison camp when he says to Newman's insubordinate character: 

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

Oh how this line summarizes so many problems in our society. A lot of people with a lot of opinions and emotions not knowing how to connect or communicate with each other.

The problem of miscommunication infects every relationship; from social media debates with strangers to collaboration with co-workers; and dinners with family to conversations with our significant other. 

Here is a great work example given in cartoon form:

You see, bad conflict often happens because of this lack of clear communication with others. The spark of miscommunication is fueled by the stories we tell ourselves about the person we are in dialogue with; and then if we’re not careful, an explosion of anger can occur that will threaten to burn our whole “relationship” house down. 

The truth is that not only do our colleagues, our spouse, our children, and our friends often think and communicate differently than we do, but we tend to add fuel to the fire of miscommunication with unflattering stories we tell ourselves about them.

In communication with others, we tend to be self-focused. We listen for what we want and then begin crafting our own responses. If we have deemed the person we are talking to as a threat, we all together cease listening and go to all out defense mode. 

Watch the best relationship video ever as an example of bad communication! It shows how two different people want to talk about a problem! "It's not about the nail." (1:41 min) 

Miscommunication is everywhere and between everyone, but not all hope is lost.

We can get better at communicating with others.

We just have to work on ourselves first! 

We have to focus less on ourselves in the conversation and we have to work to master the stories we are telling ourselves about the other person.

Let me explain: 

Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

The bible provides such great wisdom on all things, so communication and interacting with others is of course mentioned. Throughout the entire bible we see countless examples of how we need to focus less on ourselves and more on Christ and His way of truth. For example, James 1:19-20 tells us:

“Quick to listen and slow to speak.” Yeah, I really struggle with that. I tend to be quick to speak and slow to listen.  

Another way to think about it is this...if the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbor, then don’t you think that having love for and true motives in seeking to understand them matters? 

Where we often get sideways with loving our neighbor is we assume we already understand them and their motives so we judge our neighbor instead.  We tell ourselves stories that judge them in a negative light. So of course, the bible always has it right, we need to listen more and make up our stories less. 

Our Stories

In Patterson, Grenny, et all,’s books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability, they better explain what dialogue is and how we can stay in dialogue versus miscommunicating and causing even more conflict. 

1 - In Crucial Conversations, dialogue is defined as “the free flow of meaning between two or more people” and is cultivated by everyone feeling safe to share their thoughts and ideas. Providing a safe place to share ideas doesn’t mean you agree with the ideas but that you seek to learn more from the person(s) you are in dialogue with (aka loving your neighbor).  Unfortunately, we don’t always know how to stay in dialogue with another person. Why? See #2 below.

2 - In Crucial Accountability, it states that we often judge others by their behaviors (words/actions) but we judge ourselves by our intentions. While we provide ourselves grace because we know our own heart, we often tell ourselves “ugly or unflattering” stories about the other person and their intentions, and then act on those stories as though they were true. In other words, we see and hear what a person did or said, we tell ourselves a story about why he/she did/said that, which causes us to develop a feeling towards them, and then leads to our response actions.

Easy examples that many of us would identify with are in our relationships with our spouse or children.

The Husband & Wife:

The husband is hungry and goes to the pantry to get some popcorn. He makes the comment “Sheesh, no popcorn. We haven’t had popcorn all week.” 

The wife hears what she deems as a “snide” comment and tells herself a story that her husband thinks she isn’t a good wife that makes it a priority to care for her family by keeping the pantry stocked. She is angered (feel) by this story and while she usually harbors anger silently (avoidance - action), this time she decides to yell back (violence - action) in a loud voice: “Well I am so sorry I didn’t buy your precious popcorn. You know, we both work full time jobs and I am working my butt off to also take care of the kids and the house. You are just as capable as I am to go buy your ___ popcorn.”

The Parent & Teenager: 

The dad yells upstairs for the teenager to come down for dinner. No response. He yells three more times. No response (see/hear). The dad tells himself a story that his selfish son is disrespecting him intentionally by not responding because he wasn’t allowed to go to the movies that evening. The dad becomes angry (feel), storms upstairs, and yells (action) “I told you 4 times to come down for dinner. Your disrespectful attitude like this is why we won’t let you go out with your friends.” 

Yikes! In both cases, relationships will be hurt and unneeded conflict will occur. 

If the wife and the dad would have stopped before telling themselves an unflattering story about the intentions of other person, they could have investigated the intent and what influenced the person’s behavior in the first place. 

Telling a Different Story

So how do you break the cycle of See/Hear, Tell an ugly or unflattering story, Feel, and Act?  

Remember James 1:19 - “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” That’s your answer. 

Unfortunately, telling ourselves stories about another person happens blindly fast and if we’re not careful in slowing down our thinking/speaking, we create unwarranted emotions and inappropriate actions (e.g. anger). 

According to Patterson, et al, we must learn to tell different stories to break the loop.

We have to become curious as to why “a reasonable person would act in such a way” and seek out more information before we tell ourselves a story at all. 

In the case of the popcorn, if the wife would have simply asked herself “why would a reasonable person be so sarcastic about popcorn?” and then asked her husband an inquiring question in a normal tone, and listened intently to his response, she could have told herself a different story before developing feelings and actions. 

For example, she could have said “hey hon, is everything ok in the pantry? You sound frustrated.” First, she recognizes his frustration (listening) but she doesn’t automatically assign a story that he is frustrated at her (slow to think/speak). This would have given the husband a chance to explain his thinking and intent behind the comment. The truth was that the husband had meant to write popcorn on the shopping list when he popped the last bag last week but he forgot. He was talking to himself when he made the comment and wasn’t thinking about his wife at all. 

In the case of the teenager, if the dad would have stopped and asked himself “why would a reasonable person not respond to someone talking to him,” and then walked up stairs without anger he would be able to find out more information (listening). The dad would have quickly seen that the teenager was lifting weights and had headphones in his ear and never heard his dad talking to him in the first place. The son wasn’t being disrespectful, he honestly never heard the dad. 

So the next time someone says or does something and you begin to judge them by the story of intent you are creating for them, try to stop your spiraling thoughts and

1. Remember the verse “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19
2. Ask yourself “why would a reasonable person say/do this?,” and then seek more information from that person. 

I’m willing to bet that more often than not you’ll be able to have much needed dialogue with that person and it will grow or heal your relationship. 

Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. Communicate.

Rocks before Sand!

Scripture: 

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

~James 1:19-20

Theme Song: 

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood by - The Animals - 1965

Reference Used:

• Cool Hand Luke. Directed by Stuart Rosenbert, performances by Paul Newman, George Kennedy, Warner Brothers - Seven Arts, 1967.

• Cartoons - Unknown original origin. Googled “miscommunication” and “miscommunication project management.” 

• Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®  https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1%3A19-20&version=NIV 

• “It’s Not About the Nail” YouTube, uploaded by Jason Headley, 22 May 2013, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg 

• Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler. Crucial Conversations. New York: McGraw-Hill Education, 2012. Print. 

• Patterson, Grenny, Maxfield, McMillian, Switzler. Crucial Accountability. New York: McGraw-Hill Education, 2013. Print.