7 minute read

by Bethany Rees

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. It is OK to put down what’s good to pick up what’s best.” 

I referenced this phrase as advice on how to be more productive in the blog post “Want to be more productive and less stressed? Then you better start doing this…” But now, it is time we take a deep dive to the why behind that advice.  

Everyday we fight the battle of decision between what is good, what is better, and what is best. In short, if we focus on every request, situation, expectation, or “could do” opportunity, then we will in fact lose focus on spending time with/on the very people/things we say are a top priority. 

We then begin wasting our life on the wrong things…things of lesser value. If we continue to follow this slippery slope of thought, then the end of our life will be full of regret for not spending more time with/on those priorities.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been sliding down this slippery slope for a few decades and have only in the last few years gotten away from that gravitational pull to do it all and be it all. I’m finally saying no to the good and even the better, so I can say yes to the best - my true priorities.

“Talking the Talk” of Priorities

I remember being on the basketball team in high school and every year our coach would give us a speech on the importance of practice. He would then preach about what our priorities should be, which were always written in this hierarchy: God, family, school, basketball. All of us shook our heads as we agreed to make basketball (and practice) a top priority in our lives. But did I leave that room a changed person ready to focus more on basketball?…absolutely not. I left more like this...

I could, however, “talk the talk” about priorities and how important God, family, school, and basketball were to me. Should anyone ask, I always knew the right answers to the priority’s question. But never did my “walk” change to truly live out those priorities. I continued living my life as I always had: checking the box of what I was supposed to do, and then reacting to, giving my time to, and accepting whatever else was thrown in my path. I was always so compliant to do what society expected of me.

If you were to ask me my priorities today, the “talk” of those hierarchy categories hasn’t changed much: God, family, career, and exercise/health. And my “walk” within those categories still wavers from focused (God/family) to anxiety-filled (career) to depressing (exercise/health). But much progress has been made from a young adult that accepted everything placed in her path to a middle-aged woman that is more empowered to say “no” to things of lesser value. I just hate that I wasted 20 years not living for the essential.

What is Essentialism?

So what is the difference between that young adult and this middle-aged woman? The cultivation of my mindset towards essentialism. My favorite explanation of essentialism comes from Greg McKeown in his book by the same title:

“Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done. It doesn’t mean just doing less for the sake of less either. It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential.” (page 5)

Here is a graphic I made for educators when speaking about teaching essential skills and standards in our classrooms, but I believe it applies to life in general. 

We make our highest point of contribution, when we focus on what is essential: focusing on the right thing at the right time for the right reason. 

Versus living life at our highest point of frustration, when we focus on everything right now because it is popular now. 

Transforming from Frustration to Contribution

For decades I operated at my highest point of frustration instead of my highest point of contribution. Let me explain: 

In reflecting on my faith as a Christian, I’ve always felt judged by the “perfect attendance” church goers when I missed here and there. I was totally focused on what people thought about me and their perception of my commitment to God. 

(Note: Unfortunately I went decades with a self-focused, not God-focused mindset when it came to church. I was measuring my faith by tradition and religion and not my growth in a personal relationship with God.)

In my family life, I’ve always loathed the pressure I felt to put my children in all the activities that sucked up my time and money just to “keep up the Jones’ kids.” I was angry at the fact that if I didn’t have my kid in select sports by the age of 7 with a private coach by the age of 8 that he would never make the high school team…(now hang on for the slippery slope of thoughts)...which meant he wouldn’t get into a good college, which meant he wouldn’t get a good job…which meant he wouldn’t have a good life….UGH! Lies in my head. 

(Note: Society hasn't been holding me hostage to be like everyone else. I have been allowing the whirlpool of comparison to drown me in anxiety about my own status and worth as a woman, wife, parent, and professional.)

In reflecting on my professional career as an educator, I’ve always been angered by spending time, breath, and resources on things that I felt didn’t actually “add value” to the overall education of children. For you, I’m sure you can easily add in your frustrations on time wasted on things at work that keep you from doing what really needs to be done to make a difference. 

(Note: I blamed all my frustrations of what was wrong with education on what I called the 5 P’s: the Politics, the Policies, the Public, the Parents, and the Pay. I, in fact, can control none of those things, yet I was letting them control me. I was constantly being pulled by the expectations of others, and therefore had no solid footing for myself on what to concentrate on.)

In my exercise and health, I’ve never given myself the time and attention for self care all in the name of “serving others.” 

(Note: I had a totally lazy and self-righteous thought life here. It is not wrong to spend time caring for my body and mind. This is called stewardship, caring for what God has given me. This also aligns with the thought pattern that I would die for my children but wasn’t necessarily willing to live a healthy lifestyle for them so I can be around for them later.)

For years I couldn’t explain my angst and overall disgruntledness towards: religion, family comparisons, politics & the mob mentality, and the acceptance that I have no time for myself. Under the calm cool surface of my public self being able to “talk the talk” was a seething, boiling, “about to blow” volcano of emotion. Walking in the constant turmoil of not feeling like I’m doing the right thing nor contributing to a fully abundant life was…well…it was pissing me off. 

That is until I understood the concept of essentialism and my own lack of being able to say no to myself (my own negative thoughts) and others (my self imposed pressure to please them so I am liked). Now I must be clear here that the thought/theory of essentialism isn’t life changing per say…but understanding the fact that I was wasting my life on things I didn’t truly value led me to start with my first priority…my relationship with God. 

Putting First Things First

In 2018, I began making time for God first thing in the morning. I would read a short passage of the Bible (using the short devotionals found on the Bible app) and then journal out my prayers. Being intentional and making time with God a priority in my day is what led to transformation in everything else in my life. Through quiet time with God, he revealed my sin of being self-focused (aka being compliant to the expectations of others so I’m seen as a good and nice person) and how that led to deep seated anger and turmoil. 

Being angry at religion, family comparisons, educational politics, and my overweight issues were a self-imposed problem. I was so focused on the “trivial many” within these areas that I never focused on the “vital few.”

Once I began spending time with my true priority (God), everything else changed. I was released from the pressure and expectation to give my life away to things of lesser value. I became more sure of who I am in God and could have more truthful conversations about what is best versus what is good. I learned to have healthier boundaries and to say “no” to the pressure I usually felt to comply. I felt free to focus on what I believed was essential: 

• Deepening my personal relationship with God
• Growing my family around our core values and beliefs
• Focusing my job responsibilities on what would make the biggest gains in supporting the whole child (...educator speak for the physical, emotional/social, and academic support of development in children). 
• Taking time for health by developing a plan for success and growing in self-discipline to stick to the plan (aka…not have situational ethics in choosing to eat right or exercise). 

What are your Essential Rocks (priorities) that stabilize everything else in your life?

Like me, I’m sure you’ve had times in your life where you felt sick and tired of living in the jumbled mess of expectations, circumstances, busyness, and overwhelm. I encourage you to have a long talk with God so you can learn what your true priorities (or essential rocks) are and what is keeping you from living them out. 

As you build your life on the essential rocks and away from the sand elements of circumstance and expectation, I pray that you let your cornerstone rock be a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I pray that you continue to grow in your relationship with God so that you can experience the lighter yoke of Jesus Christ versus the heavier yoke of expectations of the world. Then you will begin to spend time on what is right - God’s will - and you will be experiencing your highest contribution with what is essential - God’s purpose for your life. 

Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. Focus on the Essentials.

Rocks Before Sand!

Here at Rocks Before Sand, essentialism is one of our core values. 

Scripture: 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

~Philippians 4:8 NIV

Theme Song: 

First by Lauren Daigle (Lyric Video)

References used:

• McKeown, Greg. Essentialism. New York: Crown Business, 2014.
• Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.