10 minute read

by Bethany Rees

Alright y'all. It's a new year and I know you're planning your new year resolutions. So let's talk about something near and dear to my heart before you finalize those resolutions...intentionality. 

Intentions. Intentional. Intentionality. Any way you say it, when you use these words, you are asking about someone’s plan, aim, deliberate actions or purpose in something. 

Parents often ask their kids about their intentions when they are seeking freedom to do something. Better yet, there are plenty of mental images of a dad holding a shotgun and asking a scared teenage boy what his intentions are with the daughter.

However, when this question is asked, it often has a distrusting connotation to it; as in, “I don’t trust you, so I want you to tell me exactly what you are wanting, and what you hope to accomplish in a given situation.”

Here at Rocks Before Sand, intentionality is one of our core values. 

So I would like to ask you the “what are your intentions?” question in a different way. 

What are your intentions with your life? 

You’ve probably heard the old adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” but are we being intentional about the ounce or are we so used to serving up the pound we don’t really think about it any more? 

Have we, as a society, accepted a “that’s just the way it is” story for ourselves? 

Have we become victims to our life circumstances? Have we become powerless to “the man,” “the machine,” the calendar, the cell phone, and the debt?  

How can we take back our lives from all the external forces pushing us to accept chaos, busyness, stress, and anxiety as normal?

Let’s take a moment to compare our work life and our family life. At work, I’m sure you are intentional about setting goals, organizing systems, meeting deadlines, having tough conversations to solve problems, and looking for ways to add value to your stakeholders. (If you are not, we’ll have that leadership conversation at a different time.)

But what about your family? 

Are you being intentional in planning what you want your family legacy to be? 

How you want to spend your time together? 

What you want your children to learn? 

Just stop for a moment and think about your day. What did you do today? Who did you reach out to? Who did you love and serve? What relationship problems did you solve? What family goals did you meet? 

Now zoom out and think about the last year or even decade and ask yourself those same questions.

My fear is that we have become so accustomed to a life where we bounce from one activity to the next that before we know it, we’re overbooked, overwhelmed, and our best years will be...well... over. 

Or, maybe we are struggling to “do life,” and we’ve become accustomed to needing to check out and numb ourselves with countless hours on our phones. And before we know it, we’ve wasted our life on Candy Crush and Facebook scrolling.  Another day lived fast and furious with no cool sports car to show for it. 

In Patrick Lencioni’s book The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family, he tells a leadership fable about restoring sanity to the most important organization in your life...your family.  The fable describes a family in chaos running to and fro with commitments. Finally the husband pops off to his wife saying “If my clients ran their companies the way we run this family, they’d be out of business.” Needless to say, a fight ensues, but it also becomes the catalyst for the family to become more intentional in building and supporting an intentional life and family legacy. 

So how can we become more intentional with our life?  

Remember that ounce of prevention? That’s called being intentional: thinking things through and having a plan to prepare for the circumstances we know are coming. You can choose to feed and water your life instead of leaving it to chance.

Now I must confess here, and if you read the “Differing Perspectives” blog post you already know this, that being intentional is not a natural frame of mind that I have. It has been one of those perspectives and skill sets I have learned from my husband who is a planner. But gosh darn it...the more I seek to understand others before seeking to be understood (Covey, S.R), I actually learn something new. And intentionality is one of those things. 

Let's walk through three areas in which we can start being more intentional (finances, family, & faith), and I'll share with you some of our lessons learned in those areas.

I feel compelled to make sure you understand that the Rees family is a work in progress. We do not have anything figured out, but are intentional in learning from our experiences and mistakes...which is why I decided to blog in the first place...to share my lessons learned.  

If you don’t know where to start in learning how to be intentional, try starting with your personal finances. 

Shoes, Tires, Roofs, and A/C units 

We all know we are going to need to replace them eventually. So one way to be intentional is to prepare the finances now so when that time comes we are ready. This is called budgeting for our true expenses (large less-frequent expenses).  Unfortunately, too often people don't plan for these expenses; and when the purchases need to be made, they turn to credit cards which piles on more debt and financial stress to their lives. 

Our Lessons Learned: Jason and I had a season in life where every time we reconciled the checkbook, we prayed for divine intervention to occur so the expenses of our lifestyle didn’t overrun our income. We quickly learned that we didn’t like playing Russian Roulette with our finances so we started using digital envelopes to plan for our true expenses (thank you Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace for the idea). For the last 15 years, every paycheck we have received, we have put a few dollars in our true expenses envelopes so it builds up over time (yearly fees, auto, personal care, clothing, household, etc). In the past few years we have bought 1 new A/C unit, 1 new roof, 2 sets of tires, and a ton of shoes for our kids. Because of our envelopes, we were ready.  

How can you learn to be intentional with parenting?  

Family Values

Have you ever taken time to name your family’s foundational beliefs and values? By taking time to name what your family believes and values, you will become more intentional in modeling them, and helping your children learn them through their own experiences. 

Our Lessons Learned: With our children, Jason and I developed a family foundation board to help us all focus on what we believe and value. We did this after we read the Patrick Lencioni book mentioned above.  This board hangs in our kitchen and I cannot tell you how many times we point to it, and use it when we are having conversations about a current situation in our life. We use it to anchor all of us on what is most important. (My teacher friends, yes this is an anchor chart for my family, LOL!)

Teenage Drama and Rebellion

If you have a child, adolescence is coming. As psychologist Dr. James Dobson said in his book, Preparing for Adolescence, that if a teenager’s life were an automobile that they were driving on a highway from childhood towards “Adultsville,” that they’d eventually face a dark canyon on the road where the bridge was out. He explains that most teenagers fall into the dark canyon of inferiority on the road to adulthood, but that there is another way around it (which he explains throughout the book). He mentions that our jobs as parents is to help share our own experiences of our trip to adulthood, and to pray our children through their own journey. 

Be intentional with praying for and capturing the heart of your child so you can love them through the hard times and discipline that is needed when they literally lose their frontal lobe, and struggle to make good decisions. Share with them your own stories of lessons learned on your journey, so they can gain wisdom from your experience, and know how to avoid that dark canyon.

For those with adult children, think about the hard life lessons you had to learn in your 20s, 30s, & 40s as you worked to raise a family, establish a home, and build a career. Pray for your adult children as they travel up that rugged mountain of life, and share with them the lessons you learned along the way. I cannot tell you how much I value the “real stories” my parents and in-laws share about their own hard times. It makes me feel more normal in my own struggles, and gives me hope in living through the season I am in. 

For those with no children, focus on being intentional in growing a deeper relationship with your significant other and your family. We so often take our spouse and family for granted. Be intentional in being fully present with them. 

Another thought for everyone is to be intentional with your family time. When everyone gets home from school and work does everyone go their separate ways to their separate devices, or are you intentional in setting boundaries with electronics and eating dinner together? Do you plan family time (movie nights, game nights, camping weekends, etc)? Are you intentional in planning family gatherings beyond the holidays where games are played, stories are shared, and deeper bonds are made? 

Our Lessons Learned: Life is shared at the dinner table. We have a rule to always eat dinner together (with no phones), even if it’s just Chick-Fil-A, and we talk about our day.  We also work to be intentional in scheduling things ahead of time so we follow through with them. When our kids were young, we had Friday night movie nights, where we brought a mattress into the living room, watched a movie, and everyone fell asleep on the mattress. Now that the kids are older we schedule events/trips throughout the year, and go ahead and put them on the calendar. That way, we are intentional in spending quality time together and with our extended family.  We play a ton of board games (free), camp (a very cheap get-away), go to Arkansas to see family, and go hiking in state parks.

How can you be intentional in preparing your heart so it won’t be crushed by a traumatic event in your life? 

Relationship & Job Stress, Conflict, Natural Disasters, Civil Unrest, Sickness, and Death

They happen. And while these things will always cause hurt, you can be intentional in growing your faith so you can rest in knowing that you are held through your grief and suffering. The more time you spend with God, the more you have the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding in all of life's events. Only with a strong faith in Christ can you endure and be refined by the suffering that this world can bring. So be intentional in spending time with God.  Can you imagine trying to get to know your date or spouse without spending time with him or her? It’s the same with God! Without spending time with God, you’ll never truly get to know Him, His true love, and His peace. 

Our Lessons Learned: We are not perfect in our faith but we are constantly growing. Progress over perfection, right?!  So the Rees' believe that if our decisions are based on feelings in the moment, we open ourselves up to bad things and inconsistencies. So we want to do what's right until we feel what's right...therefore church is not optional...if we're well, we're going. We also learned that we can't just let the church teach our children about our faith; we have to live it out before them.  They see their parents every morning spending time with God through bible study and prayer. (I often have to tell them not to talk to me until I’m done talking to Jesus, LOL!) We also openly share the struggles we are going through with our kids (as long as it's age appropriate) and how we are turning to God during those struggles. Again, we're far from perfect Christians or perfect parents, but our kids see us working towards progress. 

Like any other essential rock, being intentional will take time to become habit. It may come easier for some (my husband) and be a true struggle for others (me). However, the more you build your house on being intentional with your faith, family, and finances, the stronger your house will withstand the storms of life. As always with Rocks Before Sand, my prayer is that you never leave the blog with an overwhelming to-do list, but instead feel inspired to be intentional so you can live life on the essential rocks. 

Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. Be Intentional.

Rocks Before Sand!

Scripture: 

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”

~Ephesians 5:15-17 NIV

Theme Song: 

Travis Green - Intentional (Lyric)

References used:

• Lencioni, Patrick. The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2008.
• Covey, Stephen R. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1989.
• Ramsey, Dave. Financial Peace University. Ramsey Solutions https://www.ramseysolutions.com/ramseyplus/financial-peace?snid=guided-plans.pay-off-debt-and-build-wealth.ramsey+.financial-peace-university 
• Dobson Ph.D, James. Preparing for Adolescence. Ventura, California: Tyndale House Edition, 1992.
• Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.