7-15 minute read

(depending on whether or not you read my journal excerpts) 

by Bethany Rees

My Story

In my own experiences, I’ve learned that God has always used my stress, pain, suffering, and messes to remodel, or transform me, in a way I never thought possible, AND He always used it for good. What felt like the worst experience of my life at the moment has always produced fruit in my character, my skill sets, and my testimony of faith. 

Let me share something that only a few people have known: 

Background: 

Affirmation is my love language so words mean A LOT to me. I tend to be a rule follower, an overachiever, and I am a confessed people pleaser. My life for the most part has been carefully planned and executed and I have been successful in serving and making people happy my entire life. Following my plans and pleasing people brought me joy but it also brought me great pride (you know the bad kind of pride...arrogance). I now know that I became arrogant in overestimating my knowledge, power, control, and skill set. I became more of a believer in me overcoming a situation (armed with a perfect plan and research) than my God overcoming a situation. 

Fast forward to 2018-2021: 

I would consider the past three years as the hardest years of my life. My planned, controlled, and happy bubble of a life was popped. I was exposed to making a ton of hard decisions and many stressful and negative experiences back to back. I felt as though I made no one happy and my identity as a winning achiever and people pleaser was destroyed. What was the remodeling experience that broke me to my core? I was a new administrator opening a new high school that was immediately thrown into a pandemic. 

As a new administrator of a new school I immediately felt the weight of everyone’s expectations for the new school. The pressure I felt to “do things right” was so incredibly heavy. How was I going to solve everyone’s problems and please them? How was I going to "win" like I was use to winning.

And then there’s bringing hundreds of new staff and thousands of new students into the school and on-boarding them with culture, systems, and processes (that you don’t really get time to plan for)...only to be thrown into chaos of the pandemic. Helping calm the anxiety of teachers, students, parents, and the public was overwhelming. I literally felt the weight of the entire community on my shoulders: the success/failure of every student, the stress of every teacher, the disgruntledness of every parent, and the expectation of being a pillar organization of the community.  

My emotions and my stress were literally on the outside of my being...exposed to everyone and everything. 

I’ve never been an anxious person but I quickly became one. Every thought was wrapped with negativity about how I’m failing people and am unable to achieve success in every area of expectation. 

Let me be clear about something. I worked with amazing teachers, counselors, and administers and we served amazing students in an amazing school district. My battle was not with other people. The battle I was fighting was all in my head. The pressure and expectations of doing things the right way and the anxiety and fear of the conflicts and decisions I'd face on a daily basis became toxic in my thoughts. As my thoughts went, so went my heart, and my physical health. 

Everything about me was affected by my stress: my personality started to disappear, my mental health was deteriorating, and my physical body started having reactions. My family quickly noticed the change in me. I was not able to function as the happy and serving wife and mother they were used to; I became cold, short-tempered, and disengaged.  

I even experienced 3 panic attacks where I thought I was having a heartache. It truly scared me to death.

I was becoming paralyzed by my fears and anxieties and struggled to even go to work every day. I cried in the shower almost every morning begging God to do anything to make this go away. And please don’t judge but understand the desperation I felt...I even told God it was ok if He was to strike me with illness just so I don’t have to go to work. Of course I didn’t want anything too serious like cancer, but I’d take something like surgery that would require short-term disability so I could get a few weeks of reprieve from my pain and anxiety.

What I did get was stress induced medical issues: major stomach problems, skin rashes that were crazy, eye twitching, chest pain, massive headaches, fatigue, etc. And I gained 50 pounds...50!!! 

I wanted to just curl up in a corner and cover my body with a blanket, not to come out until I was taken in the rapture.

To me, I was hitting rock bottom and had no choice but to lay prostrate before God and cry out “I can’t do this anymore.” I literally felt like I was tugging at the ankles of God begging for relief from my fear and stress. 

I was so broken and afraid I wouldn’t make it through the day that I started waking up at 4:30 am every morning just to spend an hour with God to read, pray, journal, and hopefully psych myself up to be able to go to work. 

Funny thing about spending time with God...it changes you!

I started to realize that I had lived through one bad experience, and then another, and then another. Over time my fears started shrinking and my assurance of eternity in heaven began empowering me to capture my thoughts before they could get traction.

Just like a butterfly leaves it's chrysalis, I began to emerge from my broken down shell of a person as a new transformed creation in Christ. 

Through a major remodel and gutting of my situation that tested every aspect of my being, I discovered that behind my old walls and floors was pride in my own power and weakness in standing up for what was truth. I grew a backbone as an administrator to make hard decisions and have hard conversations (decisions that I knew would not please people but was the right thing). I was greatly humbled in realizing that there was no perfect plan, and I couldn’t be a perfect leader, but  instead I needed to lean on my perfect God. I was reminded daily that I am not the point of God’s plan, but that I am a part of His plan. 

My entire experience of being an administrator was a demolition and pruning of pride, anxiety, and weakness with the intent to rebuild and transform me into a more humble yet bold servant for Christ. 

I see and feel the transformation God has made in me and I pray my “remodeled design” now serves as more functional member of the body for His kingdom.  

Prayer Journal

Writing my prayers in a journal was life changing for me. It allowed me to express my true feelings...and I mean my darkest feelings...God already knew my heart anyway, why not just confess how much I was truly struggling. Writing down my fears, addictions, arrogant thoughts,  and anger towards God about my situation released me of their power in my mind. It's funny how true confession whether spoken out loud or written can release you from their pull.

I can think of no better way of showing you my remodel than sharing parts of my prayer journal from the past year with you. They are listed at the very bottom so you can choose whether or not to read them. I pray that you read these with grace and not judgement as I reveal my true brokenness and how through God’s remodeling process, He demolished my pride, exposed my anxiety, and rebuilt my faith on Him rather than on myself. 

Music Worship/Therapy

Beyond prayer and bible study, music was a huge part in helping me overcome my fear and anxieties. Here is a YouTube Playlist of the songs that I listened to the most to help me through the days where I didn’t feel like I could do life... 

Here is a YouTube Link to my Stress Playlist  

(Note: worship songs are at the beginning and Hip-Hop songs are at the end...Yes I love Hip-Hop and rap.)

My number one morning starter to help me overcome my anxiety in the moment was “Need You Now” by Plumb.  The song talks about begging God to “take this” (situation) away from me and it pleads saying God I need you now. It encompasses my feelings in the time of my brokenness. 

You are NOT Alone...There are Millions of Us Just Like You

If you find yourself being broken down to be rebuilt and are in need of prayer or someone to walk with you through your brokenness, I beg that you reach out to a trusted friend, family member or even me (Facebook - Bethany Rees or at [email protected]). You never have to walk alone in your brokenness.

It is ok to not be ok.

Everyone struggles with something (marriage troubles, parenting heartbreaks, addiction, shame, lack of faith, regret, etc). Cry out to God and reach out to your tribe of loved ones to pray for and with you. 

As rapper NF says, "there are millions of us just like you..."  Click here to listen to his song. 

“God, you know every situation every reader is going through. Comfort them, yet strengthen their faith as they walk the path laid out before them. Be with them in the valley of the shadow of death and let them fear no evil for they know You are with them. God, let us stop pretending like our lives are perfect. They are not and we are all broken. Let us be honest and come together in Your name. In Christ’s name, Amen. 

Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. Be Rebuilt.

Rocks before Sand!

Scripture: 

 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

~ Psalm 23:4 

Theme Songs: 

“Need You Now” by Plumb 

Just Like You by NF 

Reference Used:

• Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®  

Below are excerpts from my prayer Journal from September 2020 - September 2021 

September 18, 2020 Excerpt 

“Dear God, my mind is constantly thinking about the situation with …(school situation)...It wakes me up. God, why can’t I put it aside while I am home? Why don’t I have healthy mental boundaries for my work and the people at work? Oh God, heal my mind and guide my thoughts - whatever is noble, right, and good to think on these things….”

November 12, 2020 Excerpt 

“Lord, I am at a loss. Yesterday was so hard and defeating”...(praying about a specific situation at school)...”God be with all our teachers, hold them, carry them through this. Lord yesterday with all the sadness and stress I had the opportunity to turn to You and I failed. I turned to food and drink. God forgive my habits and free me from their strongholds. God help me. I feel terrible, I have a horrible headache and my mind is saying quit - it’s too hard - but I know the devil is scheming. Let me stay focused on Your will and purpose. Give me this day my daily bread - enough to serve and fulfill. Amen." 

November 16, 2020 Excerpt

“My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.” ~John 17:15 Jesus’ prayer before being crucified

“Lord God, maybe I need to grieve my past life, for you have called me on a new path and I have been selfishly fighting to return to my old comfortable life. Dear Lord, every Sunday I worship and feel connected to and empowered by You but as the week goes on, I feel defeated and stressed and overwhelmed.” 

“Why? I have faith. I know You are all powerful. I can zoom out and realize all that I “deal with” are tiny blips that don’t matter eternally. Lord God, do my emotions constantly deceive me? Lord, search me! Find my faults and expose them. What is keeping me from counting all things joy?”

December 1, 2020 Excerpt

“My Lord, my Savior, My Everything! God, I come to you this morning and fall at Your feet of mercy and grace. God you know my deepest most inner thoughts, fears, and feelings. God I come before you as a broken spirit today. A lost child in need of her Abba Father. Last night, Ashlyn had a seizure and a flood of fear, worry, and anxiety took over my being. But God, those are not of You. So today I come to You, falling at Your feet and humbly ask that the devil’s thoughts and feelings are replaced with Your truths!”...........

“God, I am overcome with remorse for my selfishness of prayer. I am so consumed with my own misery, I have not paid attention to others’. I have not prayed for others like I should. I have not covered my own children and husband in prayer because of my selfishness. God forgive me! Open my eyes to the hurt and needs of others, but also give me YOUR strength to be able to handle it. I am easily overcome with emotion and struggle to reconcile my feelings - thus I am not a good leader - yet I am in a leadership role. God empty me today of my “feelings,” myself, and my sins and fill me with Your holy spirit...”

January 7, 2020 Excerpt

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness.” (~ I was singing this but it is from Lamentations 3:22-23)

“Lord, I believe You are creating a new work in me. I feel it! Thank You Lord for being constant. Unlike me, You remain the same always. Thank you for your love, mercy, goodness, all powerfulness. When Your spirit is in me and I allow You to take over, it’s amazing how the fruit comes to fruition: love, peace, patience, joy, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control…”

January 13, 2021 Excerpt

“Father, I need You once again. Would you revive me and Your children, God?...”

January 15, 2021 Excerpt

“God, I admit and confess - sometimes it is so hard to wait on You. I so desperately wanted to leave my job and I so desperately want to move closer to my family. God forgive me for pushing and rushing and forcing these issues with You and Jason instead of being patient and steadfast in my faith. Waiting upon You means not doing something myself and that is so hard. Waiting upon You means not having something the moment I want or need it. Waiting upon You can sometimes feel uncomfortable and forced. Lord, I have deep weakness and need. I admit my lack of waiting is really an abundance of unbelief. Sometimes, it is incredibly difficult to trust Your ways over my own. Forgive me Father! Help me to trust that You have a plan. To trust that You are in control, not me! Help me to see that only You can truly give me clean hands and a pure heart - nothing else. God, I trust You and Your will for my life beyond my own desires and wishes. God, help me to grow in my faith and patience. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” 

March 22, 2021 Excerpt

“God, I have been asking to leave my job and I have tried forcing it….I have been running without listening to You on the direction I should go….God, I do not want to continue on my own path and my own plans. I don’t want to do what I want and then ask You to bless it. No! I want to go and work where You are working. God, give me spiritual concentration to anticipate and notice Your activity around me. Let me not be narrow minded and look for only what I want to see, but to see what You lay before me. God, forgive me for all the missed messages You’ve sent before…”

March 23, 2021 Excerpt

“Dear God, I’ve started a company but I’m afraid I got ahead of You and I so desperately want to be blessed and follow Your path - not mine. What direction would You have me go? What is Your purpose beyond me working at the school gate? Please provide clarity on my next move on Your path. 

“God, as I've sat in Your silence, I’ve continued to pray for revelation of where to go and what to do next...yet You’ve been silent or I’ve missed Your speaking/revelations. So God, as I sit and wait, please reveal more of Yourself to me. Let me lean in and grow in my love for true understanding of who You are.”

“Oh God, If I ever give You a request and You have more to give me than I am asking, cancel my request. In Christ’s name, Amen.”

March 24, 2021 Excerpt

“God, over the last 3 years I believe I have experienced a ton of heartbreaking circumstances. My heart, my pride, my comfort has been broken a million times over. Yet through every circumstance You have held me. I have known You were there. God, forgive me where I failed to see You working or where I failed to join You. Through these circumstances I pray You give me Your perspective. Thank you for the lessons I’ve learned and the humility it brings with. As I prepare to join You on today’s work, tomorrow’s work, and the next chapter of our lives devoted to Your work, let me see where You are, join You, follow through with faith, and bring glory to You alone….”

April 27, 2021 Excerpt

“We are often more interested in what God wants us to do than what God wants us to be. Being is more important than doing.” (~quote from my morning bible study that I didn’t document...credit to whatever I was studying this day)

“God, so often I focus on a task for You and then think about my own abilities in doing that task. The more I study Your word, the more I realize my selfish nature. I’ve been playing life, job, and church like it’s a game to win and I’ve focused on me and my talents to “win.” 

“God, forgive me for losing my purpose of being Your child, growing more like You so when people see me they see You. God, my purpose is to live for You, to join You in Your work…”

July 21, 2021 Excerpt

“Lord, today’s bible study was very humbling. I believe I’ve started becoming prideful in thinking that I am smart and skilled in Leadership. The reality is that I am not. In almost all of my endeavors I have asked for You to equip me with what I needed. You have been a good and gracious God and You have helped me through every position and situation. However, somewhere along the way I started believing that those skills were mine and not Your’s manifested in me. God, forgive my pride. As I start BR Essential Services, please keep me humble, focused on loving and serving others - let me rebuke the desire for fame or money. God equip me for the new season and keep my heart and head focused on You. Guide my decisions, my words, and my work. In Christ’s name, Amen.”  

September 29, 2021 Excerpt

“Lord God, sitting still with You has become a great blessing. I do feel closer to You and have more peace and joy. Lord, let my mind be a blank canvas for You to reveal Your will and Your ways so I can join You. Let me be so in tune with Your Spirit that I can hear You calling me to follow You. Grow my faith Lord and help me to resist the devil and his schemes. Protect my family from his attacks and strongholds…”

September 30, 2021 Excerpt

“My God, I am amazed by the new revelations You give me when I read Your word. I am amazed at Your infinite wisdom and my (& people’s) lack of it. I can choose the wide path that leads to destruction yet I would so rather follow Your path of peace, freedom, love and grace to eternity. Lord, continue to open my eyes and ears to all of Your truths. Show me how to be a light that leads others to You.”