8 minute Read
By Bethany Rees

Resiliency: As defined by Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary

1. the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2. an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Raising resilient kids seems to be harder today than it was a few decades ago. There are a ton of jokes made about how “everyone gets a trophy these days” or “people get awards just for showing up.” Shhh! Don’t tell, but there is also a metaphorical joke in the education world that the kids today are snowflakes because they melt down over every little thing. 

Jokes, no matter how funny or not funny, are usually based on a stereotype or generalization that most people make about a certain experience or group of people. So it seems that a large portion of our society agrees that kids today struggle to be resilient in overcoming stress or obstacles because everything is being handed to them. 

But is it really a kid problem or a parent problem?

I think it’s the latter.

Kids have and will always be just kids: energetic and impressionable. But parenting styles…now that is a force that moves within the pendulum swing of beliefs, published “best practices,” and societal peer pressure. 

And the parenting styles of all the generations have definitely been swinging on a pendulum. Just reflect on how these generations were parented and how they engage with the world today: the Baby Boomers (1946-1964), Generation X (1965-1980), Millennials (1981-1996), Generation Z (1997-2012), etc.

Sure the world has changed a lot in the last few decades, and sure we can now blame technology for the new exposures to and pressures on our kids. BUT let me ask you some more reflection questions:

• Who is buying the technology for our kids? 
• Who is allowing unrestricted time on technology?
• Who is allowing unrestricted access to the internet and apps?
• Who is distracted by technology themselves and not paying attention to what their kids are doing?
• Who steps in to rescue our kids from even the tiniest of problems and hardships? 
• Who gives in to children’s desires and doesn’t discipline them when they step out of line?
• Who has our kids so over-scheduled with activities they never get to experience boredom?

Of course the answer to every question is PARENTS. Yes I’m taking some liberties in making generalizations myself because not every parent everywhere does these things, but then again there is a reason behind the creation of stereotypes. 

So if we want more resilient kids that can overcome obstacles…or shoot, we ourselves want to become more resilient…then step one is to Find the Line and then Defend the Line.

(Part 2 of the blog will cover step 2 - Know the Difference Between Hurt and Harm and step 3 - Learn to Take Every Thought Captive)

DEFINE the Line and then DEFEND the Line

The first step to resiliency is being secure in our identity. Knowing WHOSE we are and WHO we are is the foundation of our being and how we interact with the world around us.

When people do not have a strong sense of WHOSE they are and WHO they are, they are like a boat drifting on the ocean with no clear direction for their life. They are at the mercy of the currents of society, their performance in their sport, the number of their GPA, or the number of likes on social media.  

Side note: Too many young people are losing their lives to suicide because of their identity being wrapped up in their performance in sports and school…that’s a pressure our children were never meant to carry!

So define the line of your individual and family identity by defining WHOSE you are and WHO you are.  Decide this day whom you and your family will serve? Will your identity be tethered to the world, to performance, or to God?  

WHOSE They Are

Parents, it is our job to impress upon our children WHOSE they are: They are a beloved child of God built for God’s great purpose. Nothing is more important than a child’s foundation in understanding they are unconditionally loved by their creator. Have you told them this? Have you shown them God’s word or spoken it over them so they know whose they are? 

For those individuals that were not raised in an environment that produces a healthy identity, you can still find it now. Just spend time with God and ask him to reveal to you who He is and who you are in Him.

• I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~Galatians 2:20
• See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure. ~1 John 3:1-3

WHO They Are

A large part of figuring out WHO they are is leaning into what they believe because beliefs are the mortar that hold the pieces of identity together.

As a parent you have great influence in helping establish your children’s beliefs by what you model (your beliefs, your words, your actions, and your interactions with them).  This includes their beliefs about God, beliefs about themselves, and beliefs about the world.

• What are you teaching and modeling? 
• What are you encouraging and speaking life into and what are you criticizing?
• What are pressing into them that will mold their ideas about themselves?

Defend the Line

Once you have defined the line of your identity as an individual and family, then it is your job to defend the line. Establish clear boundaries of “what we do and what we don’t do,” so that you are intentional in closing doors and windows to unwanted influences and behavior.

Just like in football the offensive line needs to “hold the line” so the “enemy” doesn’t get to the quarterback, you need to “hold the line” so your children’s heart is protected from attacks and temptations. Do not give in to the pressures to be like the world because remember your identity is not of the world. Identify the sources of pressure that push against your line. 

Comparing yourself or your family to others

God created all individuals and all families with special gifts to accomplish His work. We are NOT meant to be the same. One individual or family might value and have the gift of service (helping) while another values and has the gift of administration (organization and implementation). You and your family are not meant to be like other people, but are called to step into who God created you to be…and while we are all created in His image, we are all created with different gifts and talents.

Stop comparing your children's behavior, gifts, and talents (or the lack of) to other people's children. Stop comparing your parenting to the way another household parents. Stop comparing! Just stop! It isn't healthy for you or your kids. 

Your children fighting for freedom from you

It is natural for your children to fight for freedom as they grow older. And it is your job to model how to be responsible with the freedom they gain as they grow older. But know that freedom goes hand in hand with responsibility. We are not to give our children freedom and just let them go off to their own devices (literally and figuratively).

The Dave Ramsey family tells the best story about how the parents had a metaphorical rope around the waist of the Ramsey children. As they became more responsible the parents let the rope out to give them more freedom, but when they made a mistake (and your children will make mistakes), the parents pulled the rope back in until the freedom was re-earned through responsibility and trust.

Ok, so you know your children will fight for more freedom as they age. So prepare yourself. Be ready to give an answer when the time comes. Be ready to explain your stance on: 

• their schedule (bedtimes, extracurricular commitments, school work, outside time)
• appropriate friendships, friend outings, and relationships (sleep overs, hanging out, dating, and sex)
• technology (when they get it, what type of access they can have, and how long they can be on it)
• Drugs, vaping, and alcohol (what is ok in moderation, what is never ok…think long and hard about what you model here)
• Insert any other parts of your LINE here

Parents, if you want your kids to be able to overcome challenges then help them mold a healthy identity of themselves.  It is imperative that they have a strong foundation in knowing WHOSE they are and WHO they are. They are NOT defined by what society says they should be, their sport, their grades, or their social media status. 

As the identity is defined then defend it from all the attacks that come (and they will come!). As the attacks come, counter them with true by reminding your children WHOSE and WHO they are.

Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. Define & Defend the Line.

Rocks before Sand!

Scripture: 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Jeremiah 29:11

Theme Song: 

For King & Country - Shoulders

References Used:

• “Resilience.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience. Accessed 29 Apr. 2022.
• The Rachel Cruze Show. Build Trust With Your Teens - Ep. 105, Published August 11, 2014. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JDrznmyN2c 
• The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.