10 minute Read

By Bethany Rees

Resiliency: As defined by Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary

1. the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2. an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

There’s no doubt about it, raising resilient kids is HARD! 

Our kids have so many influences flooding their brain telling them what defines them as a person and how they should react to events (hello rants and reels on social media).  They are growing up in a pressure tank of social media, TikTok and Youtube influencers as well as a world of constant pressure and exposure that doesn’t turn off when they enter the safety of their home.

So how do we teach our kids to be resilient? Well, I think it is the same process as to how you would teach them anything else in life…be intentional, have a game plan, and pray…a lot!

In part 1 of this blog we discussed how step one of the game plan of raising resilient kids is to: 

1. Define the line of WHOSE and WHO you and your family are and then defend the line from outside attacks. 

So in part two we will discuss steps 2 & 3 of the game plan:

2. Know the Difference Between Hurt and Harm

3. Learn to Take Every Thought Captive  

Know the Difference Between Hurt and Harm

Life is full of challenges and obstacles and that includes life for your kids too. However, it is the learning through the challenges that builds resilience. Just like in exercising and weight lifting, if there is no resistance against the body and muscles there will be no growth. It takes exposure to challenges to build the muscles of resilience. 

And just like there is a process in lifting weights correctly so a person isn’t injured, there is a process in learning to be resilient. It requires identifying emotions, self-regulating the emotions, analyzing the event for ownership, zooming out and seeing the big picture, and developing closure to move one (which usually means learning the lesson so it can be applied to the next event). 

So parents, to grow in resilience, our kids must encounter hardships and challenges. You cannot “rescue them” from the hardships and challenges every time or they will never grow the muscle of resiliency. Trials produce the characteristics and skill sets we need to grow. 

But just like a kid trying to decide when to jump into the already moving jump rope, we as parents need to decide when to jump in to take over and when to stay on the sidelines and coach them through the event?

Most challenges our kids experience in life at minimum cause them discomfort and at most will cause them hurt. Only a few times in their lives do they experience challenges or situations that can cause them harm. 

Discomfort comes as a result of them  not getting their preference (I’d rather watch TV than study or I’d rather be out with my friends than going to my sister’s game). 

Hurt is short-term pain that will eventually heal with time (I broke up with my boyfriend, me and my friend/coworker had a “fight,” I didn’t get the award/promotion). 

Harm is deep physical or psychological abuse that causes trauma. Trauma  is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experience. 

Your first decision as a parent is to look at the situation your child is in and decide the long term effects of the event.  Generally speaking there are the three categories we listed above: 

• Discomfort - Are they just uncomfortable because they didn’t get their preference? (making the team, getting the highest grade, winning the award, etc)
• Hurt - Does this situation hurt them now, but you know their current feeling won’t last forever? (fighting with a friend, breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, being the topic of gossip, etc)
• Harm - Is it causing harm to them because it deeply attacks their identity, self worth, safety, home life, etc?  (abuse, death, parents’ divorce, etc)

HARM

If the situation is one of trauma, jump in immediately and take over. Listen to your child and how they are feeling and stay calm yourself. You might be freaking out on the inside, but stay strong to carry your child through the traumatic event. Reassure their identity, self worth, safety, home life, etc, but then take action immediately. Speak to the proper authorities and schedule appointments with the appropriate professionals, like doctors, therapists, and school counselors, for support. Pray, and ask trusted individuals to pray over your child to ask God to heal the trauma and carry them through it. 

Discomfort and Hurt

Now here’s the hard part for parents! When it comes to discomfort and hurt, you need to be on the sidelines and coach your child on how to overcome the challenge they're experiencing. REMEMBER, it is working through disappointment, discomfort, and hurt where resiliency and the ability to bounce back grows. 

Do not be the lawnmower parent. One that goes ahead of their child and mows over all the obstacles and hardships so the child never even sees them. 

Do not be the helicopter parent. One that hovers over your child ready to swoop in and rescue him/her from the obstacle. 

DO be the coach - You're not on the field actually playing the game but on the sidelines coaching them through a game plan on how to proceed. And as a coach you are able to call a timeout if needed to allow them to catch their breath, regroup, and talk through the game plan before they head back onto the field. Help them work through these steps: 

• Explaining the event: the story from their point of view
• Identifying their emotions: the perception - their feelings that need to be heard, understood, and validated
• Analyzing the event for ownership: the story from both sides - if applicable, how they put themselves in this situation or what they did to escalate it
• Zooming out and seeing the big picture: gaining perspective - there is more to them and their life than this event right now
• Self-regulating the emotions: self-control - let choices lead and feelings follow
• Deciding next steps: action - how do they show up tomorrow and what do they say/do
• Developing closure to move on: resiliency - learning the lesson and bouncing back

Learn to Take Every Thought Captive

The enemy is the devil prowling around like a lion looking for those he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). He is a liar and schemer (Ephesians 6:11). 

In addition to coaching your kids through events that cause discomfort and hurt, teach and model how to build positive self-talk, or how to stop toxic thoughts in their tracks and lay new tracks with truth. 

When hardships happen things can get out of control quickly when we let our thoughts and emotions lead. This causes us to react to situations. Instead, we want to teach our kids how to respond by letting choices lead and feelings follow. 

When a conflict, hardship or obstacle happens, model how to stop toxic thoughts in their tracks. This is where the power of scripture and declarations come in. 

Are there specific sayings you remember hearing as a child and you can still repeat them to this day?  Here are a few I remember: “families that pray together, stay together,” “you’ll poke your eye out,”  “ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die,” “with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, I will move forward.”  

By using and teaching our kids scripture and declarations (statements based on scripture), we can help combat the attacks of the enemy who would love nothing more than to distract our minds from God’s truths. So think through the typical hardships or mental attacks you and your children struggle with and find scriptural declarations to stay to stop toxic thoughts in their tracks and remind them of God’s truth as you coach them forward through hardships. 

• Toxic spirals with identity or rejection - Emotions are out of control, jumping to huge conclusions, or exaggerating the event or hardship (e.g. “everyone hates me, I’m a loser)
  • I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
  • I am a child of God (John 1:12)
  • I was created for a purpose (Ephesians 2:10)
  • You have chosen me and you have not rejected me. (Isaiah 41:9)
  • If God is for me, who can be against me? (Romans 8:31) Answer: No one. No one has the power to make me feel unworthy and unloved. 
  • I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
  • This trial will produce resiliency in me (James 1:2-4)
• I will take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• This is what I know is true: 

• Temptation & Peer Pressure 
  • Get behind me Satan. (Matthew 16:23)
  • I am no longer a slave to sin. (Romans 6:6 ) 
  • No temptation will overcome me. God will provide a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
  • I will watch and pray so I don’t fall into temptation because my spirit is willing but my body is weak. (Matthew 26:41)
  • I do not live or work for people, but for God (Colossians 3:23-24)

 
• Shame and Condemnation
  • If I confess, You are faithful and forgive my sins (1 John 1:9)
  • You will remember my sins no more (Hebrews 8:12)
  • I get a fresh start, my slate is wiped clean (Psalm 32:1) 

 
• Fear, Intimidation, Loneliness, or Abandonment 
• God did not give me a spirit of fear but one of power, love, and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7)
• The Lord is my salvation. Whom shall I fear? (Psalm 27:1)
• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
• God is with me. He will never leave or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

• Anger, Revenge, & Forgiveness
• I will be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
• God will give me His peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)
• The wise keep themselves  under control. I am wise. (Proverbs 29:11)
• I will not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. (1 Peter 3:9)
• I will be kind, compassionate and forgiving. (Ephesians 4:32)

Raising resilient children is hard because it requires that we watch our precious young ones learn through hardships. It doesn’t mean we abandon them to figure things out though! We have to coach our children through life’s hard events and teach them how to take their thoughts captive so they can work from emotions to action to recovery. Resiliency is the beautiful skill they develop at the end of the challenge pressing upon them. Don’t rob them of the challenge, but definitely coach and support them through it. 

To Recap: You can be intentional in raising resilient kids by:  

1. Define the line of WHOSE and WHO you and your family are, and then defend the line from outside attacks. 
2. Know the Difference Between Hurt and Harm
3. Learn to Take Every Thought Captive

Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. Coach Resiliency.

Rocks before Sand!

Scripture: 

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

~James 1:2-4

Theme Song: 

You Can’t Stop Me - Andy Mineo (Hip Hop)

I Ain’t Done - Andy Mineo (Hip Hop)

The Comeback - Danny Gokey (Pop)

References Used:

• “Resilience.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience. Accessed 29 Apr. 2022.
• What is Trauma. https://integratedlistening.com/what-is-trauma/ 
• Highlands Small Groups. Freedom Small Group Workbook. 
• The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.